Another Modest Proposal

In 1729, Jonathan Swift published an essay titled A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of the Poor People in Ireland From Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick. Swift recommends that the Irish poor could improve their condition by selling their children for food. The essay is better known by its abbreviated title, A Modest Proposal. It was once commonly read in school.

Trouble is, once Swift gets you good and hungry, you realize that the essay is a form of satire. In fact, the main reason we read it in those days is that it served as a good example of satire and "sustained irony." Swift wasn't proposing eating people at all, but was calling attention to the plight of the poor and making fun of overly simplistic solutions to poverty that would require no sacrifice among the rich. This is really too bad, because I always wanted to taste the Irish. Would they taste like whiskey-marinated steak? That would be nice. Would they taste like Irish Spring soap? That would be gross.

My purpose is not to perpetuate old stereotypes of Irish as whiskey drinkers, although I just did. This is not a fair stereotype, as Irish people also drink a lot of beer. My purpose is to point out that people are always complaining about starvation around the world, but they would rather let people die than let them eat one of the most plentiful delicacies available: children. We always talk about how modern we are, but we still fall victim to the old superstition that people are not good to eat. For years people have argued about which large animal was first domesticated, but of course children were domesticated before the mouflon or any other large animal. There are hundreds of people who have never seen a cow, chicken or pig being raised for food, but who hasn't seen a child? They are everywhere.

I guess the problem that arises is that it is hard to decide which children we are going to eat. I certainly don't want anybody eating my children, or any of the children in my family, or any children I like the personalities of. The upside is that this only excludes a very small number of children. But I am sure that you know of some children nobody seems to want. What about these urchins in my neighborhood whose parents let them swim alone even though the oldest is only about seven or eight years old? What about the kids in Wal-Mart whose parents tell them how stupid they are two or three times in the short time I am in line behind them? It seems that these parents would jump at the opportunity to make a little cash, and they just might help feed the world.

[Also, I know somebody is going to bring up the disease "kuru," which is spread by eating undercooked brains. The simple solution: always cook the brains.]